We have been taught since childhood: people need help. But what to do when others, abusing kindness, endlessly ask about something? Behind a mountain of other people's problems are postponed for later. How can you be happy doing the children of friends, doing the robot for your colleagues, and your neighbors for the repairs? We will tell you how to learn to say "no", so as not to offend anyone and stay with your interests.
Why it is difficult for us to refuse: the psychological aspect
If we can't say "no" when we really don't want something, then there are reasons. Most often they do not lie on the surface, but, having originated in early childhood, they are at heart.
Psychologists say that a person who did not receive enough love from his parents, was experiencing a lack of attention, experienced constant resentment, in adult life would agree to fulfill any requests, just not to be rejected. He may not understand this or even deny it, but the subconscious will decide for him what to memorize and what to dispel in time.
What thoughts keep us from saying no
- People will be offended, upset, or angry;
- They will treat me badly, stop respecting me;
- I can no longer ask for help from this person;
- I can become an outcast in a team;
- I was taught that people need help;
- People’s needs are more important than my own.
What causes inability to refuse?
- We do what we really don't want.
- Porting relationships with people who have agreed to help, as they, feeling our displeasure, do not understand the reasons for this behavior.
- There is a feeling of guilt in front of himself, the powerlessness of the inability to change anything.
- Confusion arises - where are my desires, and where are imposed by someone.
How to learn to say no: 6 effective tips
Develop self-confidence
- You need to think about your strengths, write them out on a piece of paper and never forget. A person does not consist of only shortcomings - everyone has some trumps.
- Talk yourself compliments at least 3 times a day
- To love yourself by accepting your inner world, appearance as they really are.
Think about yourself
People who ask for help are less worried about those to whom they knock on doors. They are primarily concerned about their problems, and this is natural. But we agree to help, often we destroy our comfort zone, we do something to our detriment. And so it should not be. Initially, you need to think about yourself, your family, loved ones. Our "yes" should not affect the harmony of relationships, stability.
For example, a friend leaving for a business trip asked me to come to his house every night to feed the dog.
But what if this weekend you and your wife agreed in advance to go to the country? Do not postpone personal plans? In the pyramid of priorities, a person must put his needs, if, of course, they do not harm others. For this, you need to learn to say no. Only in harmony with oneself can one extend a helping hand to someone else.
Take a pause
It’s not at all necessary to answer the request immediately. The answer can be voiced later, after consulting with relatives. Ask for time to think - a great option for someone who doubts his decision. In a neutral territory, when no one hangs over the soul, it is much easier to prioritize and weigh the pros and cons. Especially a pause is needed when a request falls on your head like a snowball.
For example, if a former classmate calls: "Do you work at the regional hospital? Agree on an old friendship so that the surgeon will take the queue. Can you? And you, occupying the position of an accountant in the hospital, and have no relation to the department of surgery. And the desire to be obliged to someone, absolutely not. What to do: I don’t want to deny my classmate, and the question is not exactly addressed?
In such a situation, it is better not to give an answer immediately, suspending the dialogue with one of the phrases: “Sorry, I can’t talk now, we will call you later”, “I will call you back”, “I will give you an answer in the evening”, “There are some nuances, you need to clarify” and so on.
Staying in “suspended” will give time to weigh everything, make a decision and learn how to learn to say “no” to former classmates.
Search for a compromise
If the offer is not suitable, we are always entitled to set our own terms or demand compensation. It may sound harsh, but there is logic in it. For example, the management once again asks to perform additional work. A request sounds both soft and ultimatum - it is impossible to refuse. In this case, you need to immediately agree on barter in the form of time off or any privileges.
Do not allow yourself to manipulate
To achieve their own, some may resort to manipulation. For example, “press on pity”, mentioning the sick, old people or children, and also talk about their troubles, illnesses or failures. Sometimes a person really needs support, but in most cases, mercy is simply used.
The wedge knocks the wedge - this saying shows how to deal with manipulators. To tell about your troubles or the trivialities of life with the hope of finding a sympathetic response is the best way to resist lovers of clicking on weak points.
Offer an alternative
Both parties to the conversation understand that the problem somehow needs to be addressed. Moreover, if a person is close to us, it would not be desirable to leave him alone with difficulties, but also helping to the detriment of oneself is also not an option. Then we try to find a solution together, we think how we can help a person to break the deadlock in other ways.
This, for example, may sound like this: “I cannot bake a cake for your grandmother, but I have a phone of proven pastry chefs who create masterpieces from quality products.”
Failure Technology: Practical Recommendations
Express emotions
Sincerity is the key to honest and strong relationships with people. It is always felt, welcomed, finds a response. We may not be afraid to show our emotions, even if it is irritation, discontent or regret. By showing our real feelings, we quietly set the stage for refusal, although we don’t say the word "no." You can talk about feelings using the pronoun "I": "I hate it," "I am ready to do it only as a last resort," "This is contrary to my principles."
Speak clearly
If we really want to learn how to say "no", then we still have to say the cherished word of three letters. Naturally, one cannot do without an accompanying text, but it should be clear and concise, and not smeared or incoherent. Its main task is to justify the refusal, therefore it is undesirable to mumble. Here, too, it is important to show honesty, for example: "I can not go with you to the concert, because I do not like classical music."
Master the tactics of speech
The result of our negotiations depends on how we speak and behave. To make it successful, you can use some oratorical techniques:
- Make a short pause, calmly listened to a partner.
- Do not interrupt the interlocutor with questions, so that he sees a willingness to engage in dialogue.
- Express your thought and repeat once again, justifying your refusal depending on the words of your partner.
- You can use the formula:
Saying the word "no" - to clarify what the refusal refers to - to talk about your feelings - to explain why a negative decision was made.
It is important to be consistent, confident in their beliefs, as well as persistent in the attempts of the opponent to pull themselves into discussion. As soon as we falter or give up the slack, the persuaders will make every effort to win over us.
How to learn to say no to the store
Marketing is not just a science, it is a collection of secrets with the help of which we can be made to buy anything. The store, which owns this knowledge, set a lot of traps. His task is to invite the buyer, force him to buy the product, and better his two units, and also to do everything so that he returns to these walls again.
Sounding music, room design, layout on shelves, smiles of consultants are all aimed at ensuring that the visitor does not stand up to the offer.
How not to get lost in this situation?
5 effective tips
- Write a list of necessary things.
- Pay attention only to the desired products. Have only the money that was allocated for shopping in advance.
- Do not respond to the words "discounts", "promotions", "draw", "when you buy something, get something as a gift," and so on.
- Attempts by sellers to convince of the advantages of the goods being presented, to respond politely: "Thank you, I will figure it out myself," "If necessary, I will contact you."
- Use clear, honest phrases: "I have no money for it," "You and I have different tastes."
When we can learn to say no, unnecessary worries will step aside, and the fuss will be much less. But really, for this we need to always give a negative answer? This is not true.
When should I say yes?
- When the desire to help does not go against the plans or principles.
- When the interviewee really gives the right to choose, does not press, does not try to influence the answer.
- If new opportunities open up.
- When consent to help does not hurt relationships with loved ones.
- If so prompts intuition.
You have just learned how to learn to say no to avoid conflict, misunderstanding and resentment of those around you. If you start to stick to our advice right now, then after a while, only those who really need help and who will appreciate it will contact you.
