No relationship is complete without quarrels. Neither love, nor workers, nor family. Only in some situations does the conflict end with aggressive accusations and leads to a rupture. In others, it goes without insults and ends with peaceful mutual understanding. It is possible and necessary to quarrel, but it is worth doing by the rules. For what exactly, explains the science of conflictology.
What is conflictology?
Conflictology is a separate science at the junction of sociology and psychology, studying the nature, causes, as well as ways to effectively resolve conflicts. Until the beginning of the twentieth century, conflicts, of course, existed, but no one systematized knowledge about them. Karl Marx was the first to formulate and describe the foundations of conflictology. As a result of the work of many scientists in the 50-60 years of the twentieth century, conflict science was formed into an independent discipline.
Like any science in conflictology there are theoretical and practical sections. The application part is probably familiar to many, because we start to conflict with those around us in the sandbox. Someone comprehends this science to perfection by stuffing their own cones, someone is afraid of conflicts like fire. If you paraphrase a well-known phrase, you can say: "everything has already been stolen is written before us." Any personal situation can be disassembled by screws and find in it the examples described in the textbooks of a century ago.
Conflictology explores conflicts of different levels: from interpersonal and family to ethnically-social, interstate, military. But life is still poisoned by banal quarrels in the kitchen or at your desk. So it is worth starting with the basics - with the most simple and conditional situations.
How to conflict
The situation is conditional and generalized. Suppose you and your colleague were to do some work together. You did your part, he did not. As a result, both of you shine without a prize, a conflict is brewing. Ideally, you go outside with him, first yell at each other, then find out the reasons for the flaw, decide to stay after hours so as not to be left without a bonus. In the "not ideal"? You boil with anger, but decide not to quarrel. Because you avoid your own aggression.
Determine where aggression goes
Aggression is an indispensable part of any conflict. When you do not understand, interrupt, coerce, impose opinion, aggression and rage - absolutely normal reactions. Explicit, hidden or depressed, but it always is. For a start, let us see if the conflict did not take place, where is the own aggression being stored.
- On myself: reproach yourself for the lack of professionalism, for the inability to adjust the working process, for not having figured it out earlier. This is hidden or suppressed aggression. The result of this behavior can be anything: a bad mood, headache, heart attack.
- To weaker people: to subordinates (if any), to other drivers on their way home, to cashiers in the store, to their relatives, pets. This is unproductive aggression. Innocent people suffer.
If this development happens often, the conflict will never be constructive. Because all the energy goes to the wrong person. Then what is the matter? Why can not you settle the conflict on an equal footing with your opponent? Conscious or unconscious avoidance of conflict can happen for various reasons. The most common causes come from childhood, but there may be psychological trauma, painful experience. It is necessary to deal with them, but it will take time. In the meantime, you can use the tips provided in the textbooks on conflictology.
Learn how to behave in a conflict situation.
The conflict seems to be hushed up, but there is some incompleteness? Catch 7 simple rules of how to behave, so that the conflict ends in a fat point, and not disturbed by sleepless nights.
Rule 1. One situation - one conflict.
If you already had conflict situations with this person, you should not raise them during a particular quarrel. It is better to discuss previous conflicts later, when the main passions subside. You shouldn’t also make far-reaching conclusions like: “you have already failed me twice,” “I will never trust you again.”
Therefore, during a quarrel, it is worth concentrating on the event that provoked it.
Rule 2. One situation - one opinion.
Even if you have already heard the opinion of your opponent from others, it’s not worth mentioning other people's words during a quarrel. Firstly, your narrator expressed his point of view, and secondly, he seemed to hint that you cannot formulate yours. So in any case, throwing phrases like: "the accounting department told you the truth about me ..." is best left to yourself.
Therefore, during a quarrel, it is not worth mentioning the opinion of other people about your opponent, even if it is very reputable.
Rule 3. Say from your "I"
In the heat of a quarrel, it pulls into personalities, pressure, show their superiority. And it seems that the best way to be "above" will be accusations like: "you are guilty," "you are wrong," "you misunderstand me again." But this method only strengthens the resistance of others and in no way helps to resolve the conflict situation. Because such phrases make your opponent understand that you have already decided everything for him: what does he think he feels like and what he understood or did not understand.
Therefore, during a quarrel, it is better to use the phrase: "I am upset with the situation" or "this state of affairs enrages me." In any case, you will speak about yourself personally, and not think of another.
Rule 4. Do not summarize
Generalization is the enemy of specifics. Phrases like "you always do this", "all of you are like that" and the like risk taking you in the direction of a bazaar showdown. Using global generalizations, you go beyond the boundaries of a local conflict, violate the rule “one situation - one opinion”, and simply recognize your opponent as unsuitable for anything. In such a situation, even the most calm person will not remain silent.
Therefore, in a quarrel, you need to carefully monitor your speech (with experience, this is already done automatically) and not to equate one person with everyone who brought you grief in life.
Rule 6. Do not beat "below the belt"
Each person has their own complexes, even the most "childish." If you know that your opponent is complex about strabismus or short stature, you should not mention his complexes during an argument or go on to discuss his physical shortcomings. Let imaginary. Firstly it is mean. Secondly - what was said during a loud altercation is perceived more deeply and more painfully. If you win in this case, you can be sure that you have gained the enemy.
Therefore, during a quarrel, you cannot discuss a person, it is better to discuss his actions.
Rule 7. Most Important
The most important thing that is worth remembering all the time is: conflicts are an indicator of the general culture and upbringing of a person. No matter how lofty it sounds. Do not say something for which you will be ashamed in front of himself. After all, conflicts are given to us as lessons for experience and analysis of our mistakes.
Unresolved conflict is a time bomb. Sooner or later, it will explode and hook other spheres of life. So if you still prefer to keep silent in conflict situations, it's time to start flipping through the textbook on applied conflict resolution. Or ask for help. To a psychologist or to a coach, for example.
