All people in some moments of life think about the relationship with the opposite sex. Why did I choose / choose just such a partner? What is the basis of creative relationships? What roots nourish a happy family? If you want to understand these issues, you need to familiarize yourself with the psychology of family relationships.
Why do I have such a partner?
You have often heard acquaintances complain: why did I get exactly he / she? People wonder how they chose a partner who does not live up to their expectations. The woman who came out of the family of alcoholics did not want her husband to drink, was looking for a partner for a long time and still chose an alcoholic. A man gave himself a vow, the son of a cold and detached mother, who marries only a kind and sympathetic girl, and in spite of everything he finds a selfish and cold wife.
The fact is that the child learns the model of normal relationships between partners from relationships with parental figures. Depending on how the child was treated by the parents, what “role” was assigned to him in the family scenario — the child subconsciously postpones the stereotype of normal family relationships.
For example, a girl, Irina, grew up in a family where a weak-headed dad drank, and her mother was always unhappy, often looking for support from a young daughter. There were scandals in the family because of paternal drunkenness, the girl had to be an “arbitrator” in these quarrels. What kind of relationship will Irina matured with her partner? The girl will be attracted by weak, with all sorts of addictions, men, whom she will “save” during all relationships, while being angry with a partner for his lack of will and inertia. For Irina, this is a pattern of normal relations.
The boy Sasha was gifted and clever, but the imperious mother did not allow him to take the initiative in any matters, while actively pointing out to Sasha his misses. The father was a silent shadow, agreeing with his wife in everything. Little Sasha will grow up and will do whatever he wants, as if escaping from a cage, but eventually marries a despotic dominant wife who will cut and criticize him. Why? Because for Sasha this is the norm.
What psychology advises.
You need to deal with your childhood. Only by understanding what mistakes your parents made, you can understand how this could affect your life. Critically examining relationships with your parents as a child, you can understand which model of relationships is entrenched in your subconscious. Here are some questions for help:
- Did your parents respect your opinion, listen to him?
- Was it allowed to cry, to be sad, to yearn, to be "bad"?
- Could you easily tell your parents about your problem?
- Was it normal in your family to sincerely share your thoughts and experiences?
- Did you have the confidence that parents can solve everything, and you are protected?
If you answered “no” to two or more questions, most likely you learned a “toxic” relationship model from your childhood, and you need to deal with the psychology of family relationships that were in the parental home and that exist now in your family.
What can advise the girl Irina, who is always looking for her weak-willed father in every man? She needs to understand that her craving for "unfortunate" partners stems from child psychotrauma, in which the little girl had to take responsibility for the lives of adults and solve their problems, which objectively she was not able to solve. She needs to shift the responsibility for her spoiled childhood to her parents, survive this loss and continue living, remembering that now she shouldn’t protect anyone, that she is responsible only for her life, and it’s not her task to “save” an adult from any kind of dependency.
Sasha is not necessarily divorced from a despotic wife. He, like Irina, needs to realize what his model of toxic relationships is. Realizing that he is losing in his family the scenario of the silent boy who has been twitched, Sasha will learn to defend his interests, to show the will, to express his real feelings, to seek compromises in relations with his wife. If you want to keep your family and the ability to listen and hear from your wife, this relationship may well turn into a harmonious marriage.
Remember, the psychology of family relationships begins with questions to yourself. Ask them:
- What emotions does communication with my partner cause in me?
- What do I bring to this relationship, what role do I play?
- Do I get everything I want from this relationship?
- What prevents me from getting everything I want?
Psychology of family relationships: where are the origins of a happy marriage?
All people want a happy happy family, where partners would act together, and the children lived carefree and happy. And in our power to build such a family, to secure a safe haven in the form of an understanding and loving partner.
The basis of a long-term relationship is love. This is a common truth. But there is a little trick here that can sometimes play a key role in the psychology of family relationships.
Imagine your loved one telling you: "I love you for being so smart (smart)." Recognition of your merits may be nice, but compare: "I love you for the fact that you just are."
Love without conditions, accepting a person completely, with all his qualities, even negative ones, without trying to remake. Unconditional love - this is the source of harmonious relationships in the family.
Naturally, we all love our loved ones unconditionally. However, most of us rarely express our love, and some people even broadcast opposite things to their partners and children: “You are not behaving badly, I don’t want to love you,” “I want you to lose weight, then I will fall in love with you again,” You hurt me, I don't love you. " As if love is a bargaining chip on the interpersonal market. And by making a mistake, you can lose this love.
What to do?
Talk to your loved ones as often as possible about love. Do not discuss their identity. Condemn deeds, not a person. Do not blackmail love. Here are examples of some phrases that you should say to your partner as often as possible:
- I'm very interested with you.
- I love you, even if I'm angry with you.
- I am saddened by your actions, but I love you anyway.
- I love you regardless of your actions.
- I will support you in your decision, even if I do not agree with him.
Unconditional love is the state that gives us the opportunity to relax, allowing us to be ourselves. This state, which many of us lacked in childhood, when we had to bear the burden of responsibility for our parents, had to comply with the ideas about the “right” child, did not receive the respect and acceptance from adults - you can list a lot. Each person has his own "medical history", but the cure for it is an awareness of the experience of his childhood and unconditional love for his loved ones. This is the basis of the psychology of family relationships, these two things can change your family environment for the better. So, the whole world will change a little for the better.
