“We broke up with a young man 2 months ago because he decided to return to his ex-wife, whom he divorced 2 years ago. I was terribly hurt. But they did not work. And my young man and I work in the same room and see each other every day. Thus, I do not give him even a little bit to miss me. It is very hard for me to see him every day and with my brains to understand that he will not return to me, although I really want this! But maybe his ex-wife, her ideal image, he will love for a very long time.
And he seems to treat me well, in spite of the separation, we communicate, laugh, and go to the gym together. But I need not just friendly companionship, but his gentle look, hugs, etc., - the realization that I care about him. But he is silent and absolutely hopeless. It is very hard for me, every time I doubt and suffer, I don’t know what to say, so as not to frighten him away, so that he comes back to me again, lights up again, as it was in the beginning.
I absolutely do not understand what is in his head and absolutely at a loss as to how to behave. I happen, I restrain myself, generally keep quiet, sometimes I take the initiative, I do some surprises, I treat him when he is ill, although we officially parted. I always come to him with an open mind and do a lot of good things ...
A week later, we fly with him to rest (the voucher was bought before parting). But even here it doesn’t make me happy, because I don’t know how to behave myself there: either as friends, or try to be a pretty sexy girl and take the initiative myself (but again, I understand that a man should be a hunter and not woman), I don’t know what to do at all ...
I only know one thing: I want him to take the initiative and come back to me.
Tell me what to do and how to behave. ”
Catherine
Psychologist comment:
Catherine, it seems, despite the fact that “officially” you broke up with your boyfriend, somewhere in the depths of your heart for you personally, this parting did not happen to him. You have many hopes and expectations that he will return to you again. These hopes seem to be strongly nourished by the fact that your man did not succeed in rebuilding his relationship with his ex-wife.
You rightly noted that "I absolutely do not understand what is in his head." Out of context, it is really unclear what he thinks - and does he think? - about you and your relationship with him. It seems he accepts signs of attention on your part, and at the same time he does not take the initiative.
What does this situation of ambiguity in your relationship about the future mean? Most likely - further disappointments. For some reason you are not ready to accept the fact of your separation, and if so, then hope will continue to wrap you up in fantasies about how you will reunite and be together for a long, long time. In all this there is a lot of duality and lack of agreement: you are in your fantasies, he is all in himself, and there is no real contact between you.
This is especially true of your future trip. The situation is very ambiguous and ambiguous: who will you be to each other on this holiday - friends, reunited partners, lovers?
Therefore, in order to avoid a painful collapse of hopes, perhaps you should sit down and discuss your relationship with him again. The upcoming trip is a good reason for this. If this relationship is over, then you become each other a former girlfriend and a boyfriend with all the consequences - no “signs of attention”, communication — just at work, no joint rest, and so on — you will find all this in any book about how to part. .
You write: “It’s very hard for me ... with my brains to understand that he will not return to me, although I really want this.” You seem to understand very well that your former young man’s heart is not with you now, and it is possible that he will not be with you, since “perhaps his ex-wife, he will love her ideal image for a very long time”.
Maybe it is time to realize this and say to yourself: “this relationship has ended, and I need to“ close ”them for myself”? Apparently, it is so hard to accept this idea that you, with your brains, seem to understand everything, yet you do not dare to put an end. But if such a point is not set, you continue to suffer and torment yourself with doubts and questions: “does he want to be with me, does not want to”?
But in reality, the question is not what happens to him, but only what happens to you. Your boyfriend, obviously dejected by the failure in his relationship with his ex-wife, may now have neither the strength nor the desire to return to you. He is in the process, so your desire that “he took the initiative and came back to me” is rather contradictory: the initiative can come only from another, you cannot influence this.
And what you can influence is how you perceive further these relations - as continuing (for you, but not the fact that for him) or as terminated. The choice is yours.
Psychotherapist, family and matrimonial counselor Yevgeny Makhlin
