Sadly, many stories from the cinema and books that we admire are just a love affair. When in a melodrama or a series show passions, sufferings, leaving, parting, forgiveness and tears, know - no, this is not love, a real illness, moreover, it is close to drug addiction or alcoholism. Moreover, it has a code - F63.9, that is, it belongs to the category of addictions like gambling, kleptomania, or the same alcoholism or drug addiction. But how to stop loving a person who does not love you?
How love dependence is different from love
Sometimes love dependence is called Adele syndrome, in honor of Victor Hugo's daughter. This girl devoted her whole life to pursuing an ordinary officer, traveling behind his garrison and throwing him endless letters. As a result, poor Adele landed in a psychiatric hospital. However, everything is clear with the unfortunate girl: many unhealthy relatives, the death of her sister, and Hugo himself more than once displayed images of people with love addiction in the novels: Claude Frollo, Eponina, Esmeralda - all of them can be diagnosed with F63.9 code.
What are the symptoms of this disorder?
- First of all, you are fixated on these relations, moreover, you direct all the vital forces to achieve this person.
- In addition, you are 1000% sure that he is your real destiny and no one else.
- You are ready to cave in, more precisely, even to move a man in his legs and forgive him literally everything.
- You are not interested in anything and no one: friends, hobbies, and work does not fade into the background, but about one hundredth;
In the first stages, love dependence is accompanied by euphoria, and further more and more you are depressed and moments of recovery happen rather rarely.
An incredible desire to possess it, turning into a sense of ownership. Often this is accompanied by manic surveillance of a person, intrusiveness, constant calls and asking for meetings. You do not leave him personal space. Thus, the aforementioned Miss Hugo bought meetings with the object of her passion, and also paid his debts with her own money and ordered prostitutes for him. However, she had more inadequate actions. So, once a girl invited a hypnotist and with his help nearly married a boring officer to herself ...
By the way, do not think that love addiction is only a woman’s misfortune. Men can also create an idol, refuse to live in reality and lose interest in everything except their idol.
But the main thing is that this is not love, which brings only positive and makes you move forward, and also gives your loved one freedom, this is the owner's hypertrophied instinct.
As a rule, this disease is accompanied by depression and apathy. But the most difficult thing is that after long years of love addiction another one can occur - this is a problem of the personality, and not a coincidence of circumstances. Therefore, before overcoming love addiction, it is necessary to carry out a huge work on your soul and psyche.
And most importantly - to understand that love should not bring suffering and be unrequited. You just can not waste yourself on like that.
You can check how your feelings affect you. Remember, when was the last time you smiled, have you lost interest in your hobbies and friends, have you often been in a good mood and have become more attractive. If yes, then your feeling is healthy and this is definitely not a love affair. By the way, the appearance of this disease also changes the worst, while a loving person only becomes more beautiful.
Reasons: Hugo is not to blame
In fact, the cause of the disease is not at all in the fact that such relationships in books, songs and melodramas are imposed on us. Actually, everything is covered in our relations with parents, more precisely, in their relation to us.
First of all, those who had authoritarian mothers belong to the risk group. It is the fact that we have not got rid of the emotional and psychological dependence on the mother that influences the emergence of love dependence in adulthood.
Also lovingly dependent people often come across among those who in childhood did not receive love from their parents. Of course, such a person will seek love. If parents often leave a child alone, he will be afraid all his life to be rejected.
If a child is told that he is bad, attempts to prove that this is not so can also turn into a love affair. Often, mothers scare a child that they will give him to an orphanage or leave him on the street. In any case, a person who grew up in such conditions is unlikely to be self-sufficient, therefore he will seek half: after all, he doesn’t even imagine that you can be happy by yourself.
It can also be a love affair if the child is indulged in all his desires (and this can provoke the very instinct of the owner), if the parents watched every step and controlled their whole life, deciding what the child wants and what does not.
But not only parents can be guilty. If a person has no hobbies and no friends, then unhappy love can fill this void.
Yes, and for quite happy people with normal self-esteem, this can happen, especially if a lot of energy was invested in a loved one.
With low self-esteem and uncertainty that a person might like someone, there is a fear of losing the “half”, which also develops into dependence.
Another reason is unrequited love in adolescence. It is after her that the fear of loneliness can appear.
However, there are still a lot of reasons, and it is their elimination that can be the key to happy relationships.
How to overcome it
How to stop loving a man who does not love you? First of all, we go to the psychotherapist and look for the root of all the trouble. Only from this stove and need to dance. Forgive your father who thought you were inferior, forgive your mother who decided your fate for you.
To work with low self-esteem will need and training, and therapy. You will also need to find and work out the injury, as well as learn to be a self-sufficient person. After that, you need to learn new behaviors.
If the relationship for you is the only source of joy in life, it is important to find new goals in life, as well as new interests.
Yes, the struggle with love addiction is a serious work with a professional. But you can start it yourself.
First of all, understand that nobody owes you anything for your feelings. It is not cruel, not at all. Just think that it is meaningless to give all of yourself and all to those who do not need it. Such sacrifice does not make sense.
Further. You should not idealize a man whom you love unrequited. He is not a god, he can also swear or not take a bath. He is an ordinary person with a bunch of flaws. And now think about why the whole world has come together on it. Surely there are no less gentle and kind and such magnificent lovers. A caress and love can be obtained from friends and home. So, communicate with them more often and enlist their support. Not only this person can give you happiness: you can find him in friends, in children, and in interesting work ...
Try not to meet with the object of your unhappy love. Well, if you move out of town at all.
Throw away all the things that are reminiscent of your addiction.
And also - take care of yourself. Just direct all this love towards yourself and this feeling will be mutual for sure.
See also:
5 ways to stop feeling sorry for the past
How to live if nobody needs you: 5 practical tips
